I’m in high school, and I am on a trip with some of my classmates to Spain. We get there and realize we are expected to share beds. The beds are doubles and I end up wedged between a pregnant Britney, Travis, his friend Kim, and some girl named Stephanie on the end.

Because of Britney’s pregnancy, she keeps pushing me farther away from her, i.e., closer to Travis. Travis seizes this opportunity to try to get some nookie. Stephanie, upset at the situation, tells our teachers. They immediately quarantine me and the rest of the group “hos” into one room and call my parents, who tell me I may be sent home without a refund for the trip.

I teach the other “hos” how to properly apply makeup and we somehow convince the teachers to let us stay. I fly back to the States to get an outfit to try to impress Travis. In particular, I am looking for a knee-length blue skirt made out of some kind of gauzy material.

A woman who is supposed to be my mother (but who looks like Kathy Bates) informs me that the skirt is in my closet, which is possessed by the devil. We all enter the closet (we are in my house in Hempstead, NY, not my teenage Maine bedroom) with rosaries so that I can retrieve the skirt without angering Satan.

My uncle, who observes my family’s superstitious ways, decides to con us. He crafts a tale of him murdering a disabled child, who is now haunting him. After digging up the “grave”, he stages an elaborate exorcism. While this is happening, unbeknownst to my uncle, a young boy sneaks into the hole and finds The Holy Grail. After retrieving his Junior Detective Kit from a hidden place under the floor boards, he sets out to find Jesus.

From my place on the basement steps, observing all this, I note the VHS case detailing the young boy’s chronicles and exclaim “Holy shit, this movie is 12 hours long! Fuck that.”

I wake up.